Thought Id start a thread for sharing parenting advice. My DD is nearly 2. I never know if Im being too lenient or too strict with her. What sort of behaviors do you find unacceptable and how do you change them?

I should give a scenario for context. I made dinner for her, just some vegetables and chicken fingers. Asked her to come to the table, she was in the lounge watching TV. She ignored me. Usually Ill physically pick her up and put her in her high chair, though some nights we end up playing chasey. Tonight I didn’t want to fuss, so I decided to put her food on a placemat on the floor in the lounge and let her eat it there. She doesnt want it. So I sit down, she joins me finally. I ask her to eat, she’s ignoring me so I turn the TV off. She nibbles a bit. Asks me to turn the TV back on so I do, but as soon as she stops eating it goes off. After 15 very looong minutes she runs off. I ask her to come back and ask if she is finished. She pushes plate at me, so I put it in the kitchen. She’s only picked at it, but it’s something. A minute later she’s gone to her box in the pantry and found a packet of chips and is holding it out to me to open, I refuse and offer her her dinner again, she starts crying/screaming. Keeps trying to push the chips at me, I offer her her plate again, then she’s on the floor throwing a tantrum. I put the chips back, close the pantry and go to leave the kitchen. She is back in the pantry. At this point I pick her up and take her to bathroom for her bath, this is a whole other battle. I never know if Im too strict. Should I have forced her to eat in the dining room, I usually do, but sometimes she gets so upset she refuses to eat anyways. Should I just give her the chips? I worry about what she eats though. We often have a clash of wills. She wants to do one thing and I want her to do something else. Should I continue asking her to comply/coaxing her, or should I just pick her up and ignore her screaming? She can be so smart, kind, helpful, so I find it so frustrating the times she doesnt listen to me.

We do a lot of that, turning things into a game, diverting her attention, hiding things that cause problems like toys or food. Usually I dont mind her fetching snacks for herself, there’s a few packets of plain chips, some shapes and baby mums. She hasn’t been interested in snacking for weeks, but suddenly she wants lots of snacks. I need to get more fruit tomorrow for her. I did move the box after that, which just sent her into a tantrum that the box was gone and she tried climbing the pantry shelves to find it. Then she trapped the cat in the pantry. She also decided to start climbing on the side table and jump onto the couch. I put a stop to that immediately. Too dangerous and we do not climb on furniture! So hard to know when to give her some autonomy and when to make choices for her.

Parenting toddlers and children advice thread

RichardParker

I’m probably not one to give advice, since my youngest is a handful, but I tend to approach kids’ behavioural stuff with the idea that they’re usually not being naughty - but communicating a need. If they’re cranky, they probably need a warm bath and sleep, or some proper food. If they’re clingy, they probably need direct and positive attention. If they’re restless, they probably need some fresh air and exercise.

I didn’t really worry about punishing behaviour at that age because they’re not really conscious actors - they’re just a bundle of human needs and desires.

Gum-boots

Mine still have most of their worst moments when tired or hungry. They lose the ability to control their emotions. They are five and six!

Back when the younger one was a toddler he was an absolute monster. I bought a book, got annoyed, and threw it out. The rules were pretty simple in our house and we picked our battles until he could be reasoned with. He’s now a pretty good kid unless hangry (see above!) but I despaired when he was two.

NightHawk

I’d probably hide anything that you don’t want her to eat outside of meal times out of sight in a high cupboard.

I wouldn’t worry about toddlers eating chips, but it makes sense that you’d want her to have some dinner first.

At that age it was all about survival though. If she is having a good meal at childcare I wouldn’t stress too much about the quantity at dinner. I always found my kids ate better in a group situation - childcare, family dinners. When you’re on your own it’s a bit harder.

Does she have a little table of her own? Could that be a compromise? You might need to put a plastic sheet under it depending on floor coverings. The TV thing is hard, I found it was good way to distract them enough to get some food in.

My DD was strong willed compared to my son. I had to be a bit sneaky and manipulative with DD, whereas DS was fairly easy to control. Rather than directly asking her to do something, I’d find a way to make her think it’s her idea - a race, a surprise, a bribe, a couple of options for her to choose from….

NightHawk

Dawnshade

It’s hard. I hope someone has some good ideas for you.

Chookas

Dawnshade

I would have done similar, and ignore tantrum. Absolutely fine. I don’t mind chips for kids but not instead of dinner.

Heyho2

How old is she dawnshade? I liked the Facebook page one handed cooks and their food philosophy. I control what’s offered, she chose what to eat. And look at food intake over a week. If she was still hungry after dinner, I offered a banana or a glass of milk. (Or a sandwich is there wasn’t a banana around). With the climbing, I think i just went broken record. We don’t climb on the table, climbing outside. And put her on the floor. Then redirect, ’let’s build blocks!' Toddlers are a mess of emotions and impulses, they dont have good control, so it really can feel groundhog day until they grow a bit (and the next challenges come along 😅)

Heyho2

I remember some doozy tantrums at that age, it’s tiring. I really feel for you being in lock down with a toddler is a tough, tough gig.

DYNAR

I am sorry I have realised how long this is as I went to post it!!

My DD didn’t like to eat as a toddler as she didn’t want to try anything new. XH would distract her with a milk carton - he’d draw attention to the cow (as we had dairy cows outside) - and then shovel it in until she said she was full!

It got her fed but she is still a very fussy eater at almost 12.

But she was our easy child - DS was the obstinate toddler and we ended up seeing a child psych for help as EVERYTHING became a battle - getting dressed, cleaning teeth, eating, nappy changes, putting shoes on to play outside. If you wanted him to do it he made it a fight. It was such a contrast from his mostly compliant older sister that we were at a loss.

After 30 minutes of watching us together she called me his comfort toy - he touched or cuddled me in some way for the entire session and really he is the same to this day. He didn’t care if it was good attention he just needed my attention - hard when there is an older sibling! His dad and sister were/are a far second place. He also had a lot of energy that needed burning off and the two combined meant explosions came easily - he is still quick to anger but he is learning to manage it without taking it out on others.

Anyway we ended up making games of everything. Need to clean his teeth, well we’d make it a wheelbarrow race to the bathroom - he and I against his dad and sister, crab walk races and I can’t remember what else. It used up a bit of his energy so he was calmer when we got there and easier to reason with. I don’t know about you but when my parents wanted us to do something and we didn’t want they would say “I’ll time you, see how fast you can go” - that worked on DS too!

He is still obstinate though and many nights become “get in the shower now or there will be no book when you get in to bed as you will have wasted all that reading time”, or on weekends “no movie after the shower”. Other times if he isn’t muddy and hasn’t been running around outside I just forgo that battle and we don’t shower.

I also do a lot of pre-warning still at nearly 10. So as we are pulling into our street I remind them (him) - we will take our lunch boxes out of our bags and put the bag in the cupboard, we will empty our lunch box into the dishwasher. If this does not happen then Y won’t happen.

Currently he wants a dog when the new house is built so when he grumbles about going out to feed his bunny I remind him if he can’t look after the bunny then he can’t have a dog. I’ll stick to it which will be a bummer as I want t dog!

On your specific dinner battle I wouldn’t have let her have the chips either but I probably would have let her eat something healthy like a piece of fruit and, like you, I probably would have let her eat on the floor if she would eat.

I probably wouldn’t have moved the chips till after she went to bed though - it was still a flash point when she saw they were gone so she went off again. If you move them after she’s asleep then the next time she looks for them it’s not such a flash point.

We never used to have the TV on at all when eating - changed in lockdown 2 with home schooling as we all just needed a break from each other so at the dinner table but watching TV was part of that. I do have the TV off if you are not eating rule but mine are a lot older (and it pisses DD off immensely when the TV goes off because DS has zoned out and is fixated on the TV instead of eating). I wonder if she is too young to really understand that so it just becomes a battle when you turn it off so then she is primed to refuse anything else you want her to do?

I’d work on not having the TV on at all for dinner time for the next while so that’s not creating another flash point. We used to all just talk about our day before I allowed TV. I have a friend who has everyone share their best and worst thing for the day - she’s young but if she is talking you could do something like that.

I also agree with the PP who said if she is getting a good healthy meal at daycare I wouldn’t be too fussed on dinner.

And finally you are on your own so be kind to yourself. A lot of my parenting changed when I separated from XH and I don’t even have 100% care - it is 50/50 so I get time to myself. That hard daily grind when they are here meant I let a lot of stuff go that I wouldn’t have when I had their dad in the same house to take over.