What does "We'll have to agree to disagree" mean when online?

CallMeAl

I kind of always thought of this phrase was a way to say “we’re not going to see each other’s sides so let’s stop talking about it”, and I think that makes sense IRL when you need to formally close off a discussion, you can’t just walk away from a person.

But yesterday I was disagreeing with someone on a Facebook thread and they made their point and then went “I think we’ll have to disagree on this one.” I think it must have been a variant on the ‘agree to disagree’ but it suddenly jumped out at me how nonsensical a statement is. We don’t need to AGREE to disagree - we already disagree! That doesn’t need to be mutual agreement on that, it’s just a fact. So what is saying that supposed to mean, that I’m not allowed to respond to the point made? Is it a way of trying to get in the last word and stop the other person replying? Or is it a way to ‘exit’ the thread, but if so why not just say you are exiting the thread? Or just not post any more? Is it an ettiquette thing, a phrase that is used before exiting the thread?

Anyway, I thought I’d share my spiral of overthinking because I’d never thought of it before but now I’ve lost all sense of meaning to the phrase!

Dawnshade

I think its a way to have the last word. If they think the arguement is pointless they could just stop replying.

Sabrina

I think the same as you, that it’s just a way of cutting the other person off, sort of indicating that they know they’re right, so nothing you say will make a difference anyway!

Heyho2

I say it to my dad a lot. We can both be quite fixed in our opinions and neither of us will budge… so it’s a way of acknowledging that this is another topic that will only result in frustration.

NotSure

I think it is a nice way of saying that no matter what either of you posts, you are both not going to change each other’s minds. Yes, you can stop replying, leave or keep arguing, but people may read into it that you are flouncing, annoyed or can’t leave it alone. So it is an attempt at a nice way of stopping dialogue.

bookoholic

On face value, I’d say “agree to disagree” means exactly that - “we’ve both made our points, I don’t think either of us are going to change our minds, so let’s just let it drop rather than keep going around in circles”.

However, when they make their point and THEN at the end of that post say “we’ll have to agree to disagree” (or “I’m dropping out of this conversation because I don’t have time to keep arguing about this”), I do think it’s a tactic to try to get the last word and discourage the other person from replying. Because if the other person does reply and make their case again, it’s amazing how often the person who “doesn’t want to keep arguing” keeps on arguing about it!

Sabrina

bookoholic

Ooh I really like that! Yes, it’s like a mike drop situation rather than an acknowledgment of difference isn’t it.

CallMeAl

bookoholic However, when they make their point and THEN at the end of that post say “we’ll have to agree to disagree” (or “I’m dropping out of this conversation because I don’t have time to keep arguing about this”)

That’s interesting, I hadn’t thought of “I’m dropping out of this conversation” in the same way. I’ve used that one online just to flag that I won’t be replying - I still always feel it’s slightly rude not to reply to people so I do throw this one in when it’s been heated and I don’t want to think they are waiting for my response or something. I hadn’t thought of it as a ‘last word’ attempt I think because it only described what I would be doing and not what they should do? But I wonder if that distinction is only in my head.

wannabefree You could respond with your own point and “yes, lets agree to disagree”.

I ended up just ignoring it and carrying on my point - it just seemed so unnecessary to need to validate that yes we disagreed!

wannabefree He decided he didn’t want to agree to disagree he wanted us in agreement.

Haha I had never thought of someone saying that. It kind of makes sense! But also doesn’t really leave an out…

wannabefree

On its own I think its fine, theres plenty of things where its either best to move on or you feel its not worth any more energy.

If someone makes a point first and then immediately says “agree to disagree” well thats kinda trying to have the last word. You could respond with your own point and “yes, lets agree to disagree”.

bookoholic

Sabrina

Yes, exactly!

Morrigan

To me it’s a simple ’there is no point in talking about this anymore as we’ll never agree. I can now either kill you/cancel you etc or we can agree to disagree, with no bad blood.'

LL55

Whenever I’ve said it it’s simply meant as ‘we’ve been going in circles here, you’ll never convince me and I will never convince you so we should drop this one’.

I’ve not had it used ‘against me’ so to speak in the way you describe, but can see that it might be used to prevent another person from making their case or challenging a point. But, nothing stopping you from doing the same. E.g.

‘Well of course that piece of data is flawed because xyz so I don’t share your conclusion. But, you’re right I don’t think we’ll see eye to eye here so agree to disagree’

Jane-Jetson

I’ve always interpreted it as, “I’m right and you should shut up now”.

Camokat

Interesting. I think it can be taken both at face value - clearly there is a disagreement that cannot be resolved - and more subtly, it is a way of building a tiny bit of common ground between disputing parties - they both agree on something - the fact that the other party is wrong 😉

FlushedAway

I have never used the saying or had it used on me but I would take it as agree we both have different points and we aren’t going to change each others minds. It could be a way to end a conversation I guess if you both have your opinion and aren’t going to or planning to change the opinion of the other why does the discussion need to continue in a repetitive circle? There’s nothing stopping the other person continuing to rehash their opinion over and over to the person that’s said it so I don’t believe it’s to get the last word it’s just a way of indicating both sides have been said and each person sticks by that so nothing is achieved by continuing. It’s totally up to each individual if they want to continue flogging a dead horse but I don’t think it would be right to keep trying to convince the other person you’re way of thinking is the right way if they have made the statement that they’ll agree to disagree. They’ll respect you have your opinion and you respect they have theirs but by continuing it I’d see it as more disrespectful than the person agreeing to let it go and not keep arguing.

I dont really see it as an offensive way to end the conversation but everyone is different and there will always be someone who is offended by the most innocent of statements. Just how we humans are.

SR21

I actually think it implies we will disagree on this issue but I don’t want it to come between us so let’s park it and focus on the areas we do agree.

A lost art apparently in cancel culture.

PuddingPlease

SR21

The OP’s point is that it makes no sense to say that to a stranger on the internet because there is no existing relationship to preserve. She acknowledges that it makes sense in the context of a conversation between people who have an existing relationship but in a conversation with a stranger online I suspect PP’s are correct that it is a way of bowing out of an argument but trying to get the last word.

OnFire

I’ve seen the same people use it often, online, as a way to end the conversation and to have the last word - I guess I see some people using it to control the conversation.

wannabefree

PuddingPlease

Yeah I can’t recall ever using it online, especially with a complete stranger, I usually internally just think this is taking up more of my time or energy than I care about the issue I’m done. And stop posting.

Its not a natural saying to me though. I said it a few months back for what felt like the first time to a colleague and it achieved nothing. He decided he didn’t want to agree to disagree he wanted us in agreement. So theres always that angle too.

Morrigan

I don’t know. I use it a bit and not to have the last word. It’s sometimes because if I said anything else it would be pretty bad. I guess I use it as part of the ’be kind, you don’t know what others are going through’ philosophy.

Morrigan

wannabefree

After that, you have to become enemies.

Heyho2

Im a shocker for feeling the need to get the last word in… so I’m sure I’ve used it online for that reason!